A major secret of life and love is that there are several things you need to fulfil to have a happy and satisfying life. These needs drive most of the things you do.
By recognizing and understanding these needs it becomes easier to fulfil the ones to do with love.
Then, once you fulfil these needs in your self you can then expand to help fulfil them for your partner and you’ll find true love blossoms.
The key is to not rely on your partner to fulfil these needs in you.
What are these intangible needs?
Abraham Maslow’s hierarchy of needs (Google it if you don’t know) says we each start our life’s journey seeking and meeting physical needs, such as water, food and shelter – and love.
Once you obtain most of these basic necessities you then seek safety and security, the next level up the hierarchy or pyramid. Most of us try to obtain these by getting a good job to provide money for somewhere to live, a house and maybe then start a family.
But these are still physical things and don’t actually provide all the safety and security you need. For example, you can have water, food, shelter and sex; but still don’t feel safe or secure emotionally or mentally.
Accordingly, you and your partner also need to feel emotionally and mentally safe and secure. You also need to feel secure enough so that your energy, or what might be called your spirit and soul, flows freely.
We all need a safe and secure relationship, as that’s where you can truly share your self with another.
How safe and secure are you in your relationship?
Are you secure enough to progress to the next level on Maslow’s pyramid? Unfortunately, many of us venture to the next level without consolidating the previous one. If you don’t have safety and security in place it can be hard to develop the trust and intimacy that’s key for the third level.
This is where most relationships fail! This is because most people focus on the physical aspects of each of these levels, when the path to true love is in fact an energy journey and you need to focus on those aspects of each level.
For example, at the often challenging third level love, belonging and intimacy are key. This is where love expands beyond the physical to be more mental, where you forge connections, where you share your inner most self, or heart, with each other.
Tip When you’re not getting a basic need (such as sex) from a relationship don’t keep pushing for it. Instead, offer something from further up the pyramid to your partner. Men, pay attention here, if you’re not getting sex it might be because you’re not providing other things that are more important to your partner! (Following chapters provide tips that can help in this respect.)
Maslow’s next level is self-esteem and self worth. How much of a contribution do you feel you are making? How worthy do you feel? How’s your self worth in your relationship?
Does your relationship add to or detract from your self worth? Does your partner value you? Do you provide your partner with enough self worth?
This is another level where many relationships run into trouble, as many people think self-esteem is about being number one and try to take this position.
Some people are not good at this aspect of relationships in that they ‘put down’ their partner. One reason for this is that their own self-esteem is low and the only way they know how to improve it is to take it, to take control.
Both partners need an equal amount of self-worth
Build each other up. You, your partner, should be giving energy (not just physically) to each other. Respect, consider and value your partner so they feel good about themselves. Remember we’re all drawn to people who make us feel good. Make your partner feel good about themself and they’ll feel more self esteem. Make them feel happy and they’ll always want to be with you, to live with you, to love you.
Maslow’s fifth level of self-actualization is where you realise who you are, what you’re capable of becoming and strive to be the true you.
In terms of love, it’s at this level also where you’re loved for who you are. It’s also where you love your partner for, and despite, who they are.
Tip Don’t just accept your partner for who they are; encourage them to be who they truly are!
This encouragement of self actualization is one of the greatest differences between romantic love and true love. It’s where true love blossoms.
(Learn more tips and secrets in the free ebook).