Useful questions to ask – your next date or your fiancé
FIVE DATE QUESTIONS – WHAT TO TALK ABOUT ON YOUR NEXT DATE
You’ve had a good first date, now the time has come to determine whether this person could be ‘the one’.
Here are a few questions that can help you determine if they are. (Ask them in a subtle manner, so as not to scare away a prospective partner.)
Above all, remember, dates are simply events to help you to get to understand another person to see how much of a connection there may be and whether you should keep dating, keep learning more about each other and forming connections.
1 – Is this person ‘close to’ or ‘better’ than the best date you’ve ever had? Don’t go backwards and accept something or someone you know is not the best you’ve experienced.
- are you trusting your intuition? If not, why not? (Reconsider those first impressions.)
- have you given this prospect enough of a chance to show you who they are and what they have to offer?
Don’t be swayed by other pressures, such as not wanting to be alone, to accept someone whom your intuition it telling you is not good for you.
Relationships pass through several phases and what you are trying to do on a date is to determine if your date can grow and progress through them with you. These phases of relationships are:
- Compassion – true love.
Attraction – this first phase is based on physical love and typified by your attraction to someone by how they look, how they appear physically. It’s also often where you experience infatuation and lust.
Romance – this next phase sees you expand to the emotional aspects of love and includes increasing intimacy, passion and the sharing of experiences. This is the courting phase where you test to see if a relationship can expand into something more substantial. It’s also where most relationships end.
Commitment – this is where mental attributes of love are the focus and includes deepening the connection with a partner through companionship and commitment to each other and developing a life together. This phase often includes getting married, setting up house and having children.
Challenge – this is result when you realize your partner doesn’t ‘complete’ you and that you can’t be your true self in a relationship. So you try to complete yourself. This may lead to you needing to bargain or battle for power. This is the most challenging phase of a relationship is often characterized by disillusionment, frustration, fighting, withdrawing, complying and possible disintegration of the relationship. This is where many marriages end up. You might think it is the end of the relationship and look elsewhere for what’s missing, as in a dalliance or affair, as there seems to be no way out of what seems like stagnation or a conundrum. Other couples stay together, unhappily, because they simply don’t know what to do or how to progress to the next phase. Often couples leave that balancing to fate. Don’t! By understanding more you can progress to the next level.
Compassion – this is where you share and connect your inner most selves – your hearts – and is the home of true love. It’s where you’re not just physically intimate, but also mentally, emotionally and spiritually intimate; bringing all these levels together to create something greater. It’s also where love is unconditional and is typified by your encouraging and supporting your partner in their own journey.
To try and help you determine if your date is the person who can help you through this incredible journey, here are a few questions you could ask them.
2 – Will you feel safer and secure with this person?
To help determine this consider asking your date questions like:
- Do you turn up on time and go out of their way for your dates?
- Do your actions reflect your words? Do you do what you say you’re going to do?
- What do you value most in a friendship or what do you think are the qualities of a great relationship?
- What were you at school – the geek, bully or jock? Why?
- What is your greatest neurosis? What does it stem from? How do you manage it?
- Are you generous? (If they are mean with their money, they maybe tight or mean with their emotions too).
- Are you kind?
3 – To learn more about who they really are consider asking:
- What would you rescue from your house first if it caught fire (after people and pets) and why?
- If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, what would you want to know?
- Would you like to be famous – why?
- Are you truly single – no ex lurking in the shadows, still technically married, etc?
- Are you financially stable – not an alcoholic or gambler?
- Do you have a criminal record? (A simple but important one)
- How do you feel about your relationship with your mother, your family?
- What are your religious views?
- What are your views on sex? Have you ever been into bondage, swinging or the like?
4 – Connection – does your date have similar aims and attitudes to you – or are they opposite?
- Who is your greatest connection with?
- Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you invite as a dinner guest and why?
- Is there something you’ve dreamt of doing for a long time? (Why haven’t you done it?)
- What would you like to share doing the most?
- What are the qualities of a great relationship or what roles do affection and love play in your life?
- What constitutes a perfect day for you?
5 – Will this person help you grow and realize your dreams – or hinder them?
Consider asking your date:
- What are you most grateful for in life?
- What is your greatest accomplishment or what are you most proud of? Why?
- What is the most important thing you feel a partner never understood about you?
When you have finished, assess how you feel about them.
- Will they help you meet the day-to-day needs of life?
- Do you respect and trust them?
- Will you feel safe and secure with them if they were your partner?
- Do you like them as a person?
- Do you have fun together? Do they make you laugh? Can you be silly together?
- Will you be able to grow with them? Will they support your own growth? Will you support theirs?
- How do they treat others? Do they put you first?
Conclude by telling your date what you admire about them from what you know already so they don’t feel like they’ve just been through the inquisition.
SIX BIG QUESTIONS TO ASK BEFORE YOU GET MARRIED
So you think you’ve met ‘the one’. How do you know? Or you’re considering getting married or just got engaged but want to be certain.
Try this quick quiz to make sure. Grab a pen and answer each question ‘yes’ or ‘no’. (If you think the best answer is ‘maybe’, put that down as ‘no’.)
1 – Why do you want to get married?
This is a question you need to ask yourself, rather than your partner. Do you want to get married because:
- you don’t like being alone?
- your friends are getting married and you don’t want to be left behind?
- you feel that you need someone to complete you and your life?
- you want children?
Did you answer ‘yes’ to any of these?
Unfortunately these are not good enough reasons on their own to get married – if you want to marry for true love.
2 – What do you love most about your partner? What do you dislike?
Are the things you ‘love’ about your partner more what you imagine them to be, rather than their real qualities?
Conversely, ask what do you hate about your potential spouse? Can you live with these things – forever? Marriage is not a spouse renovation project, where you try to change and upgrade your partner. Consider:
- are you and your partner similar in your needs, such as needs for cleanliness, organization, expectations and the like?
- are you okay with who is responsible for shopping, cooking, cleaning and so on?
- do you spend most of your money on the same things (rather than already disagree)?
- do you feel okay with the level of contribution – physical, emotionally and financially – from your finance?
- are you comfortable with your fiancé’s level of ambition – and they yours?
- does your partner need you more than their family and friends?
- does your partner do things with you that make you happy?
- is your partner your best friend?
If you answer ‘yes’ to most of these, then you’ve got a good chance of practical success.
3 – Do you take care of each other’s needs?
There are several key needs that have to be fulfilled on our life – and from marriage. If your relationship doesn’t help you meet these it will more than likely run into trouble at some stage.
Accordingly, you need to determine if your partner will help you meet these needs. For example, we each obviously need basic physical things such as water, food, money and shelter for simple survival.
However, once you obtain these basic necessities together you’ll find that you need several other key elements.
These include safety and security. While most of us try to obtain these by getting married, then a good job to provide money for somewhere to live and a house, what you really need to consider is does your partner make you feel emotionally and mentally safe and secure? Ways to determine this are to consider:
- do you want the same things out of life?
- does your partner have similar attitudes, goals and growth plans? (Answer no if they like doing things completely different, or worse still, doing lots of things without you).
- do you respect and believe in each other?
- do you consistently develop win–win solutions to problems?
- does your partner make you feel emotionally and mentally safe and secure?
Again, you want mostly ‘yes’ answers to these questions for any relationship, let alone marriage, to be successful.
4 – How does your partner make you feel?
Another important requirement for a marriage is for it to meet your needs for self-esteem and self worth (the next level up Abraham Maslow’s hierarchy of needs). How is your opinion of your self worth in your relationship?
- does your relationship add to (rather than detract from) your self worth, from whom you are?
- does your partner value you?
- do you provide your partner with enough self worth?
This is a level where many relationships run into trouble, as many men and women think self-esteem is about being number one and try to assume this position. Some people are not good at this aspect of relationships in that they ‘put down’ their partner, spouse or wife. One reason for this is that their own self-esteem is low and the only way they know how to improve it is to take it, to take control. Both partners need an equal amount of self-worth.
If you answered mostly ‘yes’ to these questions then you’ve got a good chance of your marriage succeeding.
5 – Did you fall in love because your partner is your ‘other’ half or because they complete you?
These ‘halves’ are often attributes that you’ve not developed in your self. So ask yourself:
- are you’re loved for who you are?
- does your partner encourage your personal growth?
The latter is the single main element we have found that breaks or makes relationships; that can alter the balance from staying in one to wanting to run away.
At some stage in your life you’ll reach a point where what’s most important to you is your own personal growth (not some possession, not work, not even children). Yes, that’s right, you’ll ultimately want validation that your life has been worthwhile and has meaning. We have found this validation is the basic pivotal point – the crux – that determines whether a relationship will survive, die or flourish into true love.
This is what you are seeking to determine when you are dating and assessing potential partners or evaluating an existing relationship. If you’re in a relationship and your partner lets you grow – even if they don’t actively encourage it – you’ll most likely remain with them. If your partner is not doing this for you, and this is where many relationships run into trouble, then you may begin to resent them. If they blatantly hinder or stop your personal growth you’ll most likely seek to escape. A problem is that many people often we seek others to help them grow. This is why working and having children are such a big part of life; they provide a form of validation, of worthiness, of meaning – and do so better than most other approaches. The only other thing that can validate you moreso is love – being loved for who you are! If you have a partner who validates you, appreciates you and what you do, then you have an extraordinary love – a true love. This encouragement of you by your partner is the greatest difference between romantic love and true love. It’s where true love blossoms.
6 – Do you connect on all levels?
Do you connect:
- physically – are you satisfied with the frequency of physical giving and receiving, of love-making?
- emotionally – can you be emotionally honest and vulnerable with each other?
- mentally – can you converse easily with one another? Do you anticipate each other’s needs?
- spiritually – do you have similar attitudes to intangible things, such as personal growth?
Now, get your partner to take test.
Then compare notes.
Do you have similar answers?
If so, jump right in and go for it.
If not, you probably need to talk about differences – ahead of the wedding – and make sure you understand each other’s perspective and how life together will work in practice. The more information you learn and share with each other the better chance of success you’ll have in developing and maintaining true love.
There is really only one answer to this question – you want to get married because of whom the other person is. They make you happy, but most of all they encourage you to be you and support you and your journey in life. They want to be with you for who you are – and sometimes in spite of who you are – and they don’t want to change you into someone else to meet their own needs. If you go ahead and get married without this core element, you might not have the blissful life you’ve always dreamt of.
Don’t settle for convenient love; a love just because it’s there and available. If a love is only half right you only have half a chance of it lasting. Hold out for your soul mate, you true love – a love that’s true is 100% true.